You Can't Scale What You Refuse to Process
For the first five or six years of running Big Fish Roofing, I was holding a beach ball under water.
That's not a metaphor. That's just what it was.
I was doing drugs and alcohol through most of those years. Overeating, gambling, anything I could find to escape the weight I was carrying. And the whole time I was building a company, hitting numbers, hiring people, trying to look like I had it together. On the outside, things were moving. On the inside, I was a man underwater, holding down everything I refused to look at.
My team got exactly what I was giving them. The energy of someone who was never enough. Someone who was working out of fear and calling it drive. Someone who had no idea how to lead because nobody had ever shown him how to live.
I did not have mentors. I did not have good leadership around me. I had a company and a closet full of things I was never going to open.
The Beach Ball Always Comes Up
Pastor Matt Keller from Next Level Church spoke at the Teach Passion Summit earlier this year and gave me language for something I lived but could never quite name. He talked about the five limits that hold leaders back. Thoughts, team, culture, personal life, and heart. And he used this image that stopped me cold.
He said the pain and hurt and disappointment that leaders accumulate is like a beach ball in a swimming pool. You can sit on it, hold it down, press it under the water with everything you have. But it will come up. The only question is when and where.
For me, it came up in the way I led. In the culture I created without knowing I was creating it. In the people who could feel something was off even when they could not name it. When your heart is carrying that much weight and you have not dealt with any of it, it shows up everywhere. In your decisions. In your reactions. In who you hire and who you keep and who you push away.
You can't scale what you refuse to process. I know because I tried.
Matt showed a picture of his home office. Clean, beautiful, everything in its place. Then he showed the closet. Stuff piled up to the ceiling. Barely contained. One open door away from falling on you.
He said nobody is going to clean that closet but you.
Mine had been building for years. The feeling of not being enough. The need to prove people wrong. The weight of a small child counting on me when I had no idea what I was doing. The money I made that I immediately found ways to blow because some part of me did not believe I deserved to keep it. All of it was in there. And I was numbing every single day so I would not have to open the door.
I thought I was being strong. I thought pushing through was the same thing as processing. It is not. Pushing through just means the closet gets fuller.
The Two Moments That Cracked Me Open
In 2017 I overdosed. I should have died. By the grace of God I did not.
And then my brother was murdered in 2021.
Those two things together broke something loose in me that I could not hold down anymore. I started asking a question I had been running from my whole life: why? Why did God spare me? Why was my brother taken? What is the point of any of this if I keep living the way I was living?
I did not want my brother's death to be in vain. That became the thing. That became the reason I finally stopped holding the beach ball under water and let it come up.
But here is the part that I want every founder reading this to hear. The thing that actually changed me was not the crisis. Plenty of people have crises and change nothing. The thing that changed me was the willingness to be honest. To let my guard down. To stop performing and start telling the truth about what was actually going on inside.
That is when things started to shift. Not when the pain came. When I stopped hiding it.
What Matt Got Right
Matt said something at Teach Passion that I keep coming back to. He said the most important question for a leader is not how do I grow my business. It is how well am I leading my own heart.
He said you can have great thoughts, a great team, a great culture, a great personal life on paper, and still be bleeding out on the inside. And that internal bleeding will eventually show up in every room you walk into.
He cited Jesus: what good is it for someone to gain the whole world and forfeit their soul? I used to read that as a spiritual warning. Now I read it as a leadership warning too. Because I have seen what it looks like to gain the whole world and forfeit your soul. I lived it. The revenue was real. The emptiness was realer.
Here is what I know now that I wish someone had told me at twenty-five: peace is the compass. When there is no peace, something is unprocessed. Something is still in the closet. Something is still being held underwater. And no strategy, no hire, no revenue milestone is going to fix a heart problem.
The Question You Cannot Business-Plan Your Way Around
Most founders reading this are good at building systems for everything except themselves. We have operating systems for our companies and nothing for our hearts. We have quarterly reviews for our teams and have never once sat down to honestly review what we are carrying.
So here is the question Matt put in front of the room at Teach Passion Summit, and I want to put it in front of you now.
What are you holding underwater right now that is already showing up in your leadership?
You do not have to have a crisis to answer that question. You just have to be willing to be honest.
That willingness is where it starts. I know because it is where it started for me.
Ideas in this post were inspired by Matt Keller's talk at the Teach Passion Summit in Pittsburgh. The next Teach Passion Summit is February 3-4, 2027.
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